


ONCE AGAIN

by Sickpuppyinexile



Category: Hurts (UK Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-18
Updated: 2017-02-28
Packaged: 2018-09-24 16:02:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 15,737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9769556
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sickpuppyinexile/pseuds/Sickpuppyinexile
Summary: Theo and Adam’s relationship had always been complicated. They had loved each other and lost each other already two times and now Theo wants Adam again but the guitarist is too much hurt to believe that things can go better this time





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you are going to enjoy my chaptered story and I hope I didn't make too many mistakes.  
> Please note, I turned the Exile tour into a very long tour with the guys performing first in the USA and, after a pause, in Europe; during the second part of the tour Adam looks like he looks these days (so with muscles and beard ;-)).  
>  **I also wanna make a dedication: from the princess of drama to the queen of drama with love.**

Adam was sitting on the bed of his hotel room playing guitar, trying to relax. He had left the party quite soon, just the time for one soft drink and few chats with Pete, Paul and Lael about the gig they had just performed. He did not say goodbye to Theo when he left the club because the singer looked busy with a couple of two young women and he did not want to interrupt the flirting that was going on. In any case, they didn’t have anything to speak about, their days on tour were always the same, breakfast at 10:00, interviews at 11:30, lunch at 13:00 and sound check at 16:00 and there was no need to speak about something that was their _routine_.

Adam was teasing the chords of his guitar, murmuring a melody with his mouth shut. Now and then, he stopped, took few notes and went back again playing. There was a melody in his mind but he could not play it the way he wanted. Adam was a perfectionist and that drove Theo crazy sometimes. He could spend the whole night trying to find the perfect combination of notes and realize the masterpiece he had somewhere in his head but that was not a good thing to do now because they would have a gig tomorrow and he could not have a sleepless night. Unfortunately, he was not as good as Theo in recovering; the man could sleep few hours and looking beautiful, energetic and full of life while he, on the contrary, only looked sleepy and had problems concentrating.

It was past midnight when someone knocked at the door. Adam stopped teasing the chords of his guitar and let his head drop back against the wall. And sighed. He knew perfectly who was knocking out there. 

“Adam, it’s me. I know you’re still awake”

Adam rolled his eyes, placed the guitar on the mattress and got up. It would be useless do not answer and feign he was sleeping because Theo would knock again and again, each time louder, waiting for him to get up from the bloody bed. 

“What the hell do you want, Theo?” Adam asked, keeping the door only half-opened as he had no intention to let the singer enter into his room. 

“You left the party without saying goodnight.” 

Adam rolled his eyes again and threw up his hands. 

“You were busy; I didn’t want to disturb you. Now it’s better you go to your room and satisfy your chicks quickly because it’s late and you need to rest.”

Theo opened his mouth to say something but, instead, he remained with his mouth open, catching flies.

“Goodnight Theo, see you for breakfast at 10:00 as usual.”

Adam was about to close the door when Theo sneaked inside before the guitarist could keep him out.

“No one is waiting for me, Adam. And I didn’t take any chick in my bed since I came back from the USA.”

Adam closed the door behind him and leaned his back against it, ready for a sleepless night. He had noticed Theo’s behavior since they were back on tour again, the singer trying to spend time with him alone and staring at him with embarrassing dreamy eyes. Adam had feared this moment coming and he didn’t want Theo talk to him about _that thing_. Because he knew why Theo was there, he knew what Theo wanted and he knew that his patched-up heart was going to bleed again. 

“If I wish you goodnight, do you go back to your room?” Adam asked but Theo took off his jacket and sit on the armchair. 

“No, I want to stay.”

Adam run his hand though his hair, knowing it was going to be a very long and probably sleepless night. He walked back to his bed and took his guitar, not wanting to start any kind of conversation with his friend, hoping that Theo would get annoyed by his behavior and left. Unfortunately, Adam’s hopes vanished soon because the singer took off his shoes and moved toward the bed sitting on the mattress next to him. 

“Is it a new tune?”

“No, just few notes.”

Theo started unbuttoning his shirt and even if Adam was not looking at him directly, he could see the gesture with the corner of his eyes and he immediately felt angry.

“Theo, you won’t sleep here, okay? I thought we got over it some months ago.”

Theo didn’t reply and Adam sadly noticed that now the singer’s hands were unfastening the belt on his trousers. 

“Theo!” Adam shouted angrily.

Theo went on until he got rid of his shirt and trousers and then, finally, he looked at Adam.

“I miss you, Adam. I think we have to review our decision.”

 

They knew each other for quite ten years now. They had started to work together without even knowing each other, noticing how perfectly their different personalities fit together. Their friendship had grown month after month and when Adam moved to Theo’s flat to work 24/7, the friendship had turned into something more important. They had quickly realized that even if their life was quite miserable, they could always count on each other and it didn’t took too long before they found comfort in each other’s arm too, admitting to feel something deeper than a simple friendship.

When the band finally got the record deal, however, they had been thrown into another world. Their life had changed quickly and dramatically and, clearly, had changed their perception of things too. At the beginning, days were so busy that they didn’t have the time to think about their relationship and they had simply enjoyed every single second of being musicians and doing music for a living; they had finally some money in their pocket, parties to attend to, women ready to sleep with them without even ask them to do it and everyday life looked totally unreal. 

Adam and Theo were so happy of their new lifestyle that they both thought that their romantic relationship had not been something real at all. Being together 24/7 in a lousy apartment, barely making enough to scrape out a living had brought them very close and they had mistaken their mutual affection with love. The fact that they had always been attracted to women and they still were attracted to them, gave both men the absolute confirmation of their idea and without ever speaking out about it, they had put their relationship aside by mutual agreement. It had happened almost naturally also because now they had an image as band and they somehow needed to stick at it; they would have travelled with the crew, slept on bus tour or in hotels with unknown bandmates and they would not be alone anymore. 

After almost two years of travelling around the world with the Happiness tour, performing gigs in the most disparate and remote countries where nobody used to go, they went back to Manchester to work on the new album. Obviously, they had no intention to bury themselves into their lousy apartment again so they found a better one. The new apartment was bigger and more comfortable; it had two bedrooms, two bathrooms, a kitchen with a big living room and a little studio. After a brief holiday, they secluded themselves into it, trying to distance themselves from the crazy life they had lived for the past two years and it felt good to have their feet back down on the ground again, living quite a normal life. They had spent the days writing lyrics and music, talking, listening to their favorite records lying down on the carpet and having long conversations about their favourite artists, cooking together something different from noodles and beans.

It had been great to share an apartment again, to feel that the chemistry between them was still there, to know that at the end, they were not changed and they still believe in each other, trusting each other unconditionally. The songwriting went on smoothly as they were on the same wavelength and two months later, they had already completed one third of the job. However, something began to change for Adam as he felt his feelings for Theo coming back intensely; despite he had met lots of nice women during the past two years and had enjoyed himself shamelessly, he had never felt as happy and fulfilled as he had been with Theo. He felt torn between speaking to the singer or bury his feelings and for some time he decided for the latter because things were changed a lot in the past years and Adam was sure that his friend didn’t need to be comforted anymore, especially by his bandmate and especially in _that way_.

Adam managed to prevent his feelings overwhelm him each moment of the day but he couldn’t do it during the night. He was regularly staring at the ceiling almost all night long; the memories of Theo making him feel loved with dozens of different glances and hundreds of lovely gestures and words didn’t leave him until it was almost dawn. Theo had noticed the dark circles under the guitarist’s eyes and couldn’t help but notice that he needed also twenty full minutes to awake Adam and drag him out of bed every damn morning. He decided do not ask Adam if he had trouble sleeping because it was rather evident that he had so he simply told him that they needed a break from songwriting. 

Adam was not happy of Theo’s decision at the beginning, concerned that the singer needed some time by himself but his mood improved as soon as he realized what the singer meant. They enjoyed the spare time together, doing all the things they loved the most without any restrictions given the fact that now they could easily afford to do most of them as they were not living on the dole anymore. Adam enjoyed every single minute spent with Theo in and out the house and the way Theo behaved with him made Adam believe that there was still a chance that Theo was in love with him. 

One night Adam decided to be brave and reached Theo’s room; the singer was sleeping and without saying a word, Adam crawled into the bed. Theo had sensed his friend sliding under the covers and without opening his eyes or ask any explanation, he had hugged Adam, letting him settle into his arms as they were used to do when they slept together. They stood silent for a while, Theo’s hand caressing gently Adam’s shoulder and arm, the guitarist linking his fingers into the singer’s ones, shooting him a look that was full of unconditional love. It didn’t take too much time before something more intimate happened. Adam placed a kiss on Theo’s neck and the singer searched for his lips; few minutes later, they were naked, making out passionately, sharing glances and smiles. They immediately remembered how they bodies fit together perfectly as if they were made just to fall into one another and then, finally, they become one. Once again, Adam and Theo were one mind, one heart and one soul. 

Both men enjoyed being into a relationship again and they both looked and felt in a permanent state of ecstasy. Their bandmates adjusted immediately at the change in their relationship being happy and supportive and the future of Adam and Theo, as well as the one of the band, looked bright. Their manager had been able to arrange thirty dates in the USA and everybody was excited for the new adventure but, unfortunately, things didn’t go as expected when it was time to be under the spotlight again. 

Theo was constantly the object of desire of all their fans and he was not able to control his ego. He loved too much being admired and venerated; a single glance made girls raining down from the sky directly into his bed making him feel almost godlike. All the cuddles, the kisses and the love shared with Adam were soon forgotten by the singer and Adam couldn’t help but realize that there was no future for their romantic relationship. Theo began to lose himself quite every night in the booze, surrounded by adoring women and Adam had to admit to himself that he would never be able to satisfy Theo’s insatiable and bottomless ego. The guitarist decided to stop the relationship definitively and it had been the hardest decision he had ever made in his life. It was a torture having him so close and cannot touch him, hug him tight and kiss him but he had to face the awful truth and stop daydreaming; Theo was not his anymore.

Paul, Pete and Lael had been very supportive; they had tried to cheer Adam up never leaving him alone, taking care of him during the moments he felt down. Adam was grateful for his bandmates, they have become really close friends and he almost considered them his family. He had to thank them if the Exile tour in the USA had been successful; things had gone rather smoothly despite his mood swings because of the singer’s behaviour and they have helped a lot to keep the general atmosphere relaxed. Paul, Pete and Lael did not tried to find a rational explanation for the singer’s behaviour; at some pointy they simply thought that Theo had just temporarily lost his mind while they were in another continent living the American dream and despite everything happened, they all thought that Adam and Theo were made for each other. They had talked a lot about the two men and they hoped that the three months of pause before the second part of the tour would make Theo come to his senses and would give Adam the strength to forgive him.

Theo stayed in the USA for another month spending some time with his new friends while the rest of the band flew back to the UK, seeing each other from time to time. When the singer was back in the UK, things were still a bit tense with Adam so he avoided to meet him even if they kept in touch almost every day and he ended up secluding himself alone into his own apartment, thinking at the mess he had made.

There was only one thing that could make Adam feel happy and that thing was music; Adam cling at it and besides playing his guitar passionately, he decided to take piano lessons to improve his skills given the fact he had learned playing it by himself. His days were pretty busy as he liked a lot to practice piano but Lael convinced him to find a couple of hours to go together to the gym and when they all reunite to do rehearsal for the Exile tour in the European countries, Adam looked like a new man. 

And now they were in Austria; the third successful gig had ended just few hours ago and Theo was sitting on Adam’s bed saying he missed him.

 

“I do not want to go through this again, Theo. It took me a lot to get rid of your ghost. I do not want to feel like shit again because tonight you are bored.” Adam spit out harshly after all the memories had come to his mind, opening the bleeding wound once again.

Theo took Adam’s hand but the guitarist snatched it away immediately, before Theo could start screwing him up again. 

“I am not bored Adam; I could have had the two girls in my bed right now but the only one I want is you”

Adam couldn’t believe the words that had come out form the singer’s mouth. He was feeling a mix of love and hate toward Theo and he forced himself do not let his heart listen to the singer’s words, obliging his mind to take the control. Adam knew he couldn’t believe his words; he didn’t know the reason why Theo’s bed was empty tonight but for sure, the singer didn’t feel anything for him except lust. 

“Adam, I know I behaved like a wanker and I do not expect you are gonna forgive me right now but I think we should talk about what happened. I think we should follow our heart and do what we are supposed to do because I know th-“

“Sorry, what I am supposed to do now is playing my guitar for another five minutes and then falling asleep” Adam said in a serious tone avoiding Theo’s look.

“Come on Adam, I know you’re still in love with me”

“Stop it Theo, please”

“And I am still in love with you,” Theo said searching for the other’s eyes. Adam chuckled nervously at the words; he couldn’t believe that Theo was joking with his heart like that.

“Truth is that tonight you did not meet someone who intrigued you enough and so you decided that the best thing to do was going back to your stupid friend Adam. Am I right?”

“You are not stupid and you are not just my friend,” Theo answered and walked toward Adam who had jumped off the bed when he had answered him. 

Adam was pacing nervously in the room and Theo knew him enough to know how much he was upset right now. He didn’t want to brawl with Adam but he needed to talk with him and he hoped that everything could go back as before.

“I know that you think that I’ve never really been in love with you but this is not true. Probably I have never been able to love you the same way you always loved me but believe me, Adam, I loved you and I still do it and I am gonna learn how to love you the way you deserve.” 

Adam stopped pacing and looked at him with an angry looks on his face, his hands clenched into fists.

“You can’t learn how to do it, Theo, because it was not love what you were feeling and it’s not love what you are feeling now.”

“Adam n-”

“Maybe you don’t remember it, but when we decided to split, I felt bad for months and you...fuck, Theo! You were totally fine with it and you didn’t give a shit how hurt I was” Adam said before emotions took over. The memory of the days after that hard decision were still painful; he felt as if a piece of him was missing while Theo had the time of his life partying all night long, sleeping with a different girl quite every night without even bothering to hide it to him.

“I behaved like a jerk, I know it. I am ashamed for my behaviour and I am sorry… I’ve never wanted us to split up; it’s not that I was not in love with you anymore.”

“And what I was supposed to do, Theo? I was not the only one that you wanted and I was tired of wondering who you were fucking when you were not sleeping next to me. How the fuck can you say that you loved me?”

“I am sorry, Adam. I don’t know what happened to me; I didn’t know what I wanted but now…believe me, Adam, I know what I want right now and for the rest of my life. I want you. Only you.”

They remained silent for a couple of minutes before Theo spoke again. 

“Please, let me sleep here. I swear I just wanna sleep. Please”

Adam felt trapped. He wanted to tell Theo thousands of things, making him feel like shit and then kick him out of the room but it would take all night long and they were on tour so the best thing to do was to ignore the singer and let him doing what he wanted.

“At your wish, Hutchcraft” Adam replied in a sarcastic tone and slid into bed again turning on his left side. 

Theo killed the light and laid down on the mattress turning on his left side too, facing Adam’s back. He wanted to hug him right now but he decided to wait until Adam fell asleep.


	2. Chapter 2

The morning after, when Adam woke up, Theo’s chest was plastered against his back and the singer’s arm was holding him into a safe hug. For a brief moment, Adam felt overwhelmed by his feeling and all he wanted to do was basking into the warm embrace until it was time to get up but then the survival instincts in his brain took control of his emotions. Adam decided it was better to get up before Theo’s body awoke because he knew Theo’s body very well. He was aware that there was a specific part of Theo’s body that awoke even before Theo opened his eyes and Adam knew it would better to hurry up or it would be really difficult for him to leave the bed. Adam sighed as he slowly removed Theo’s arm from his own body, then he got up and got dressed, leaving the room trying to be as quiet as possible.

Theo awoke thirty minutes later in the empty bed; he took the phone to check the time and realized that he was alone in the room.

“Where are you?” he texted to Adam, waiting impatiently for his reply. Even if Adam was not into his arms, Theo was not disappointed or irritated. He had woken up a couple of times during the night and had enjoyed the feeling of having Adam in his arms again. It was something he had always loved, to make feel Adam safe and now he hated the fact that his closeness made him feel bad. He knew that would not be easy to gain Adam’s trust again, he knew he had to be patient and he knew he had to behave and he was ready to do any of these things because Adam had been his first and only love.

Five minutes later Adam’s reply arrived; he was at the gym probably trying to get rid of his bad mood working out his muscles and venting his frustration talking with Lael. Theo rolled on the bed until he reached the other side of the mattress and he hugged Adam’s pillow, smelling his scent on it. He had thought about waiting for him in bed but then he reminded to himself he had to behave so he got up, put his clothes on and waited for his mate to come back in the room. When Adam arrived, Theo was sitting on the armchair, fumbling with his ring, his hair loose without any hair gel on it. 

“Morning,” Theo said with a shy smile on his face but Adam barely looked at him. His mood didn’t seem improved from the night before. 

“Morning,” Adam almost whispered and he walked into the bathroom to take a shower. Theo sighed silently as he looked at Adam’s butt disappearing into the bathroom and the smile soon turned into a lustful grin. He had always though that Adam was a beautiful man but now he was beautiful and hot. Since he had quit the booze and started to go to the gym quite every day, his body had changed a lot. He was more lean now and had put on some muscles in the right places and he was beautiful than ever. Moreover, he had stopped to shave and his ginger beard created a gorgeous contrast with his mesmerizing blue eyes. Theo felt himself in love with each cell of Adam’s body, Adam’s heart and Adam’s soul and he was absolutely sure that he didn’t want anybody else to spend his life with.

When Adam got out of the shower, he found some clothes ready on the bed. Theo had prepared them for him, because Theo knew what he needed to wear to feel better when he was in a bad mood and Adam felt his heart skipping a beat. 

“Thanks” Adam said and Theo smiled at him before getting up and walking toward the door, because he knew it was better do not stay and watching Adam getting rid of the white towel and getting dressed. He knew he didn’t have so much will power and he needed Adam to trust him again.

“See you downstairs for breakfast,” Theo said and he opened the door to walk out. He was closing the door behind him when he almost crashed against Paul and Pete. 

“Good morning Mr. Hutchcraft. Why are you coming out of Adam’s room wearing the same clothes as yesterday?” Pete asked surprised. Theo answered with a mischievous smile and Pete hoped that Theo’s good mood meant something. Paul was observing the scene without smiling and instead of reaching the elevator with Pete, he followed Theo toward his room.

“Are you back together?” Paul asked a bit irritated.

“No. He let me stayed in his room…but we just slept.” Paul shook his head and frowned, not bothering to hide his disagreement.

“Theo…we all noticed how you look at him and he noticed it too and if you keep behaving like that…we are afraid he ends up freaking out and we still have so many gigs to play…Whatever is the reason of your behaviour, I don’t think it’s a good idea trying to settle things with him right now.”

Theo looked at Paul straight in the eyes and he could see how the drummer was seriously worried for Adam. “This time I won’t screw up everything. This time I know what I want. I want him. Not for a night or for few months. I want him in my life forever.” Paul was looking at Theo surprised by the fact he was believing his words. He had told them with such an intensity that almost made Paul shiver while listening at them and he could read in Theo’s eyes that he had meant every single word. 

“I love him and I want everything with him, and I am ready to take any commitment with him, no matter what people will think about us,” Theo went on, looking at Paul straight in the eyes. The drummer couldn’t help but believe Theo; he looked sincere and honest and his eyes were almost tearful, something rare to see while looking at Theo Hutchcraft.

“We would be happy to see you together again. We always thought you were a nice couple but you behaved badly with him, Theo, and we don’t want to see Adam suffer again.” 

“I know it, Paul, and I regret what I’ve done every time I look into his sad blue eyes; maybe I do not deserve a second chance but believe me when I say I love him. _I am in love with him_.”

There was a long pause, none of them said a word and they just stared into each other’s eyes. 

“I wanna believe you,” Paul said “but I swear that if you’re gonna hurt him again we are ready to-”

“I won’t” Theo blurted out, holding Paul’s gaze. The drummer nodded and hugged Theo, then he left him alone in his room.

 

The day went on smoothly. Adam’s mood seemed improved after breakfast and Theo had to thank the guys for that; they had not left them alone even for a minute and Adam looked quite relaxed almost all day long at least until it was time to walk on stage. They hugged, as usual, but Adam run away from his embrice almost immediately not waiting for Theo saying his usual encouraging words. Adam walked toward the piano and sat on the stool avoiding any eye contact with the singer.

Things didn’t change during the gig; Adam kept his eyes almost closed when he was sitting in front of the piano while his gaze was always staring at the audience when he was standing and playing his guitar. Adam avoided staying too much close to Theo during Evelyn, playing his guitar in front of Paul, approaching the singer only at the end, just enough to not disappoint the fans that usually loved the moment a lot.

They were all in the dressing room now, exchanging compliments, talking about the reactions in the audience and the little imperfections happened. They had a shower and then changed into fresh clothes before reaching the few fans waiting for them outside. Adam and Theo signed some autographs and took several pictures then headed toward the bus where the other guys were already waiting for them. They chatted a little more and drank something all together and then, they went to sleep in their bunks.

The morning after Theo awoke and, as usual, Adam’s curtain was still closed. He opened it slowly, looking at Adam peacefully asleep on his back, his hands stretched out backward over his head. All he wanted to do was crawling into the little bed, taking him in his arms and awake him with a kiss but he knew he couldn’t do any of those things so he closed the curtain and got dressed, then, he joined the rest of the band in the kitchen area. 

“I guess Adam is still sleeping,” Pete said and he got up to walk toward the bunks as Theo nodded at him. Pete opened the curtain and gently put his hand on Adam’s shoulder to wake him up. 

“Good morning princess. Do you join us or you want me to bring you breakfast here?” 

Adam grunted and opened his eyes with a big effort. He run a hand over his face and stretched before he finally managed to give Pete an answer. 

“Give me a minute” he answered and rolled on his side, apparently ready to jump off the bunk.

“Tea or cappuccino, princess?” 

“Tea, thank you”

 

They arrived in Zurich around midday. Another city, another hotel, another gig and it was another day for Theo to try to figure out how to win Adam’s heart back. They had a quick lunch, a stroll around the city and then they reached the venue for the sound check getting ready to do their best to make their fans happy.

The gig had been successful, as usual. The crowd, huge and wild, let Theo forget his troubles for at least a couple of hours, making him enjoy to perform on stage next to Adam even if the guitarist was constantly keeping him at distance. Now they were backstage making plans for the night as they had a rest day tomorrow; Theo looked lost in his own thoughts instead of being the usual night planner and Paul decided by himself the place to go. 

One hour later the whole band arrived at the club; the place looked cool, good music was playing and the guys walked to the bar as Theo searched for a place to sit down. Usually Adam would go with him but this time the guitarist had gone to the bar with the guys and this was strange because Adam had quit the booze and the guys knew he simply needed a bottle of water and a non-alcoholic drink. 

Five minutes later the guys reached Theo at the table; Adam sat between Pete and Lael, Paul next to Theo. The singer realized soon that the non-alcoholic drink in the guitarist’s hand was made with alcohol and it took only ten minutes to Adam to relax and start smiling again. Theo was quite happy his friend had given up his healthy habit for once because seeing him so lighthearted again was really amazing; however, the smile on his lips disappeared almost immediately when he realized that Adam gave up the healthy habit just because of him. For his fault, to be honest. He had made Adam feeling so uncomfortable in the past days that he had decided that only alcohol could make him feel better. 

At the end of the night, after animated talks, stupid jokes and weird dance moves, there were lots of empty glasses on the table. Adam was pretty drunk and Theo had to make a big effort to lift him off the couch but, luckily, Lael was sober and muscled enough to help him to bring Adam back into his hotel room. 

“He’ll wake up with a bad hangover tomorrow,” Lael said “we’ve been lucky he had not thrown up against us,” he added as they let the heavy muscled body fall on the bed. 

“Thanks, Lael”.

“It’s been a long since the last time he got drunk, I guess it’s better if you stay here and check him during the night,” Lael suggested and Theo nodded.

“Okay Adam, you can’t sleep in your clothes so, please, give me a little help,” Theo said after removing the guitarist’s black boots. He managed to take Adam out of his coat but the man had fell immediately on the bed with a stupid smile on his face. 

“Come on Adam, I need a little help” Theo asked again, pulling Adam back into a sitting position. 

“You stripped me down naked a lot of times, Theo; I don’t think you need my help.” Adam said with a chuckle that turned immediately into a laugh. Theo took off Adam’s waistcoat and started to unbutton the shirt. 

“Do you like what you see, Hutchcraft?” Adam said, mocking Theo with a hard look as the singer got rid of the white shirt.

Theo looked at Adam as the man was talking to him and a pang of sadness hit the singer in the stomach. He decided not to answer, not giving him any reason to say anything because he knew that Adam had no filters when he was drunk. He was almost terrified that Adam could tell him how much he hated him, how bad he made him feel and he didn’t want to hear it because it hurt every time he did it. Theo unbuckled the belt and opened the button of Adam’s trousers, sliding them down his legs. He was placing them together on the chair with the other clothes when Adam propped on his elbows and looked at him.

“Help yourself, Hutchcraft,” he said with a grin on his face, “because it’s the only time you can have the chance to fuck me. Do it now that I am drunk and enjoy it shamelessly because there won’t be other possibilities for you to do it.”

Theo stared at him agape; Adam was lying on his side wearing just a very tight black tank top and boxer briefs, his blue eyes looking at him invitingly, his hand moving on his own crotch stroking it, clearly provoking him. 

“Come on, Hutchie. Don’t tell me you suddenly became shy. How do you want me? On my back or on my stomach? I bet you want me face down on the mattress.”

“Stop it, Adam. You are drunk,” Theo said a little irritated. 

“Is not that I am drunk. I’m just less classy than usual and more funny. And horny. And you like me when I am horny, right?” Adam said chuckling, his hand now sliding inside his boxer briefs.

“You need to sleep. Goodnight” Theo managed to say, feeling a little bit hurt from Adam’s words. He wanted to leave the room but then he decided it was better to stay in case he felt sick. He went to the bathroom and closed himself in there for a while, sure that Adam was drunk enough to fall asleep in less than five minutes. He took a shower and searched for a t-shirt and boxer briefs in Adam’s suitcase; he wore them and then he carefully crawled into the bed trying to do not wake Adam. The guitarist was sleeping on his side and after some time, Theo hugged him, sure that his friend was sound asleep. Theo stared at Adam’s neck and all he wanted to do was kissing it, biting it, sucking the freckled flesh and leave a mark on it but he decided to behave and just inhaled his scent.

“Why you don’t want me, Theo?”

Adam's words broke the silence in the room and he rolled on his side, now facing the singer. His fingers traced Theo’s jaw and his half-opened blue eyes were looking longingly at his lips. Theo resisted the urge to take Adam’s face in his hands and kiss him breathlessly; no mattered how much he wanted to do it, he knew he couldn’t do it with Adam so drunk. The singer decided do not say anything and instead, he put his left arm around Adam’s shoulder pulling the man toward him, letting the guitarist’s head resting on his chest. Adam let Theo take him into his arms and Theo’s hand began to stroke the other’s hair hoping to make him fall asleep; Adam hugged Theo tightly and shifted his position a bit nuzzling his nose into the crook of Theo’s neck.

“Fuck me, Hutchcraft” Adam whispered, pressing his body against the singer’s one, apparently determined do not fall asleep. Theo didn’t reply and he got a bit worried when he felt Adam trying to throw his leg around his hips, his body moving closer in the attempt to feel some contact. Theo was temporarily paralyzed; he didn’t move and didn’t speak, he just cursed at himself for crawling into the bed and ending up in such a freaky situation. 

“Theo, please. Don’t make me beg like that” Adam said and took Theo’s hand placing it onto his own crotch. 

Theo panicked for a second, not knowing what was the best thing to say or to do; he wanted to snatch the hand away but Adam kept it in place wanting him to know he was already hard and ready for him. Adam’s lips searched for his mouth but the singer didn’t let him kiss him and pulled him away gently.

“Theo…I need you, please” 

Theo was really in panic now; his mind was a blur and his body wanted Adam’s one really bad and even if he knew that was wrong, he rolled Adam on his back placing himself on top. He kissed Adam on the neck then he lifted up the tank top he was wearing and began to kiss his chest and belly. He didn’t know what he was supposed to do but for sure, he was still enough rational to know that he was not going to make love to Adam in that altered state.  
His confused thoughts were suddenly interrupted by both Adam’s hands on his head forcing him down toward his demanding cock and Theo decided to go along with his friend’s wishes. The singer lowered Adam’s boxer briefs and took his length in his mouth. Theo began to work on Adam’s cock with both his mouth and hand feeling the guitarist arching his back and moaning. Adam’s finger were clinging to his hair, his hips jerking up almost choking him but Theo didn’t mind and let Adam enjoy some minutes in paradise after the months of hell. Theo tried to take him deeper in his throat and Adam’s grip became more harsh but Theo didn’t mind; Adam was moaning his name now and Theo’s eyes became tearful as soon as Adam came into his mouth saying he loved him.

Theo needed a minute to get a grip on himself as tears began to flood from his eyes. He felt both happy and sad for what he had just done. Having such an intimate contact with Adam and hearing him calling his name and saying he loved him had been overwhelming. He wiped the tears away and put Adam’s boxer brief back in place; he laid back on the mattress next to Adam and took him in his arms. The guitarist hugged him and fell asleep almost immediately; Theo caressed his hair and nape, forcing himself do not fall asleep too much quickly as he wanted to enjoy the feeling of being loved as much as he could.


	3. Chapter 3

It was past midday and Theo was already awake. Opening his eyes and looking at Adam into his arms was something he could never get tired of.

Theo remembered how he was always the first to wake up in the morning and how he never left the bed until Adam was awake too, enjoying the time his sleepyhead boyfriend needed to open his beautiful blue eyes.  
Theo’s lips curved up into a smile at the memories of the good old days but despite the smile, he felt sad. He was afraid he couldn’t enjoy going to sleep and waking up with Adam next to him anymore. To be honest, he was terrified by this possibility. Involuntarily, he tightened his grip on Adam at the thought that he couldn’t sleep with him anymore and the gesture made Adam wake up. 

Adam obviously awoke with a huge headache. Unlike the previous night, he noticed that Theo was not spooning him and he didn’t know if it was a better thing or not; the singer was laying on his back and was holding him into a tight hug and he was clinging at Theo as if he didn’t want to leave his body for any reason. 

Adam felt uncomfortable for the way he was holding Theo; he hated the fact that his body needed to be so close to him even if his mind didn’t want to. He panicked at the thought that they could have had sex, but the fact they were both wearing t-shirts and boxer briefs gave him a little assurance that they had just slept, making him feel a bit relieved. 

Adam decided he had to leave the bed as soon as possible so he tried to lift his devastated body from the mattress but Theo kept him down.

“Another five minutes, Adam”. 

Adam felt anger take possession of his confused mind; no way he could stay in his arms like that. It still hurt like hell remembering all the mornings they had woke up like that, when they were happy and in love with each other, when he thought that Theo would be the last thing he would have seen before falling asleep and the first thing he would have looked at in the morning. The guitarist did not listen at Theo’s request and put much more force in the attempt to put himself into a sitting position and finally managed to get out of Theo’s embrace. 

“I am not one of your chick you can order around” Adam blurted out rather harshly. He didn’t know how he had come out with those words but he guessed it was because he couldn’t help but being angry with Theo for remembering him, for the second time in the past few days, how good it was waking up in his arms.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to give you any order Adam…I...it’s just that it felt so good to wake up like that and I…I am sorry” Theo answered with a trembling voice, looking almost on the verge of crying. The guitarist felt a bit like shit for his harsh words and tone so he decided to say something even if he didn’t have any intention to apologize. 

“It’s just that...I am hungover and I didn’t remember how bad it was. I need a shower and most of all, I need to eat something and take some pills or I won’t be able to attend the interviews. It’s already 1 p.m. and I need to make myself presentable,” he explained trying to keep a cold tone, without looking at Theo. He walked toward the bathroom trying to put as much distance as possible from the singer because it was hard do not run into his arm while he was looking at him with those puppy eyes. Even if he was still mad at him for what had happened between them, he couldn’t deny that he still loved him.  


The singer looked at him as he disappeared from his view and he felt sadness, despair and misery wrapping his body. He felt paralyzed for a while and he needed to take a deep breath before getting up, gathering his clothes and putting them on. He couldn’t believe what was happening; it was as if Adam didn’t exist anymore and it was his entire fault. He had destroyed the only good relationship he had ever had and had turned Adam into someone else because of his stupid ego and his uncontrollable lust.

As soon as he closed the door behind him, Theo’s knees went weak and his back slowly slid down against the door.  
Ten minutes later Paul, Lael and Pete were walking toward the elevator and noticed Theo. They looked at each other rather confused and Paul told his bandmates to go downstairs to the restaurant without him because he needed to be alone with the singer. They nodded and hurried toward the elevator, not wanting Theo to feel ashamed or embarrassed. Theo’s forehead was resting on his knees, his hands on his head and Paul squatted beside him.

“Theo” 

Theo lifted his head and Paul couldn’t help but notice that his eyes were brimming with tears. 

“What the hell have I done?” Theo said in a whisper searching for help while looking at Paul straight in the eyes.

“What do you mean, Theo?” the drummer asked a bit concerned, as he had never seen Theo in such confused state of mind.

“He hates me. Adam hates me.”

“He doesn’t hates you, Theo. He’s just confused and terrified of being hurt again.”

“I don’t know what to do, Paul” Theo whispered and then began to sob. Paul hugged him and tried to calm him down.

“He needs time, Theo, and you have to be patient. He needs to trust you again and you need time to gain his trust. I know you are used to work hard and get quickly what you want but in this case what you want is Adam. And he’s an amazing but quite sensitive man and after what has happened, you have to give him some more time. But don’t worry, everything is going to be okay. Now get up; let’s go to your room so you can splash some cold water on your face and then we go downstairs for our brunch. The other are still waiting for us and Adam is coming out of this door anytime soon so it’s better you get a grip on yourself.”

Theo nodded at Paul and managed to get up on his feet and his hands brushed away the tears form his face letting a tiny smile appear on his lips. 

“Thank you, Paul” 

On the other side of the door, Adam was taking his time under the water. He had both his hands against the wall and his head under the running water and was telling himself do not give in. He had deeply lost himself loving Theo and had promised do not go through that again. He had reached the conclusion that not every relationship was meant for love and despite everything, he was grateful to have Theo in his life. They would always be friends and they could be happy and feel fulfilled writing songs together, playing gigs and share the growing success. When he was finally done with the shower, he got dressed and watched at his image in the mirror. He looked like shit, he felt the same way, and he couldn’t help but curse himself for getting drunk. He didn’t remember how bad the morning after was and he hoped he had not make a fool of himself, especially with Theo. He fixed his hair a bit and then took several deep breaths to get himself ready to face his bandmates, hoping that the pills he was holding in his hand would make disappear the huge headache that was driving him crazy.

 

“I thought I had seen everything of Theo, his great moments and the lowest ones, not to mention the embarrassing moments or his wild behavior….but I’ve never thought to see him lovesick.” Lael says, getting a nod from Pete in return. 

“Yes, I’ve never thought to see him like that and I have to confess that I feel a bit worried for both the guys now.” 

Their comments about the tense atmosphere of the past two days and the concern about the mental state of the two men stopped as soon as Paul arrived with Theo. Pete and Lael welcomed him as nothing has happened, not wanting to make the singer feeling embarrassed. They tried their best to cheer him up, not teasing or joking as usual and Theo appreciated the fact his bandmates cared for him. 

“What are we going to do this evening?” Pete asked, trying to engage a rather quiet Theo into the conversation. The singer shrugged and looked at Paul for suggestions.

“What about the museum of modern art?” Paul suggested getting a snort from Lael.

“I was thinking about going to see a boxing match this evening; I think Adam will be happy to come so if you wanna me buy tickets also for you, guys, please let me know now.”

Pete looked at Lael and then at Paul before speaking.

“No way I am going to accompany you and Adam again at any match. You are crazy and you almost got involved into a fight last time,” Pete said making Lael rolling his eyes backward.

“Well I think it would be the perfect way for Adam to spend this night so he can let himself go a bit cursing and shouting, getting rid of his anger especially today that we didn’t go to the gym. I think it’s not good for him to bottle up or it’s gonna be worse.” Lael said and his bandmates couldn’t help but agree with him.

“I am sorry guys, it’s only my fault if he feels so bad and moody,” Theo said with a very sad tone.

“Theo, don’t worry, everything is gonna be okay. At what time do you have the interviews?”

“Our last interview it’s at 5 p.m. and it would take less than one hour so… maybe we can eat something together and then go to the museum while Lael brings Adam to the match,” Theo suggested, feeling better after his bandmates’ reassuring words.

“Deal” Paul and Pete said and they tried his best to keep the atmosphere relaxed when Adam joined them at the table few minutes later.

 

Both the interviews had been quite depressing for Theo, this time not only because of the journalists’ boring questions. Adam was still suffering for the hangover even if the headache had almost gone but his mood was still bad. He was sitting there on the sofa being very quiet, answering only if the microphone was directed toward his mouth, letting Theo doing most of the job. Adam never used to talk a lot during interviews but usually he let Theo know that he was there next to him, supporting him, giving him nods and smiles; this time he was just sitting on the same sofa while his mind was somewhere else and Theo felt completely alone. The guitarist was trying his best to follow the conversation that was going on but he couldn’t concentrate as flashes of the previous night had started to come up to his mind. He was desperately trying to put the few pieces together but he really couldn’t remember what had happened the night before. To be honest, he wasn’t worried about what had happened at the club; what was making him feel uncomfortable each passing minute was what had happened later, when they were back at the hotel. When they’ve been left alone in his hotel bedroom. Because he had the gut feeling that something had happened with Theo and even if it hadn’t been something physical, he was scared as hell that he had told him he still loved him. Because he still loved him, he had always loved him and he would always love him but Theo was a lethal virus and he was not ready to die allowing Theo’s sick love running through his veins again. 

“So, have a great time with Lael, tonight” 

“Thank you. See you later at the bus” Adam hurried to say still lost in his thoughts as they walked toward the exit where Lael was already waiting for him. Theo jumped on a taxi reaching Paul and Pete for a drink before going to visit the museum and Lael and Adam walked toward the Indoor sports arena who was just ten minutes walking.

 

“Lael, is there something I should know about last night?” Adam asked, happy to spend some time alone with Lael. He was the one who had brought him back to his room and he was also the one who usually didn’t have the habit to sugarcoat things.

“You mean embarrassing things you’ve said or done while you were drunk?”

"Yes, I mean exactly that” Adam said with a little concern in his voice. 

“You’ve said a couple of very dirty jokes, Adam. I almost blushed and usually I am the king of dirty jokes. Then you dragged Paul on the dancefloor and you danced together in a very embarrassing way. I don’t know if you were trying to make Theo jealous, but Paul received lots of attentions from you, if you know what I mean.”

”Holy shit.”

“Anything else?”

“You have not done or said anything embarrassing about Theo. Because this is what you want to know, right?” Lael was a very direct person and Adam really appreciated his attitude in this moment. 

“Yeah”

“At least you didn’t do or say anything compromising until I drop you on the mattress; after that, I really don’t know what happened because I went to my bedroom. But you looked ready to fall asleep any minute so probably you didn’t have the time to embarrass yourself with Theo.” 

“Why the fuck you let me there dead drunk alone with him!” Adam suddenly blurted out.

“Well he’s been both your best friend and boyfriend and no one better than him knows how to deal with a drunk Anderson.”

“I can’t believe you let him strip me down and sleep with me!”

“Seriously, Adam, do you really think that Theo would let me stay there with you? You didn’t manage to kick him out of your room the last time we slept in the hotel so how can you suppose I could have done that yesterday?”

“Yes, I know; I am sorry I raised my voice,” Adam said.

“Don’t worry mate. I know you’re stressed. And thoughtful. We can talk instead of going to the match if you need to”

“It’s just that…I don’t know what’s happened last night and it’s driving me crazy.”

“What do you mean, exactly? Do you think that something happened with Theo?”

“Yes”

“I don’t think Theo took advantage of you, Adam, you are exaggerating.”

“He did not take advantage of me, of course; he can be a dickhead but he’s not such a piece of shit. And anyways I would have known it.”

“And so? Why are you still worried?”

“It’s not that only Theo can do things to me, Lael. We both do stuff” Adam said a bit irritated and a lot embarrassed.

“Well, of course; I didn’t mean you are a …you know...but Adam, believe me, you looked pretty wasted and imagining you jumping on Theo…”

“Have you ever just lay down on a mattress with a girl above you doing most of the job?” Adam said blushing a bit at his words as Lael was looking at him realizing he could be right.

“You got a point” Lael replied, not even embarrassed by Adam’s words.

“Fuck, it’s that I know myself when I am drunk, Lael, and Theo always loved it. And I did not have sex since I broke up with him so... I don’t know. I hate myself right now. And even if nothing physical happened …fuck I am almost sure that I’ve told him something stupid like _I love you Theo_ ”

“Well, it’s not that this changes things. We all know you still have feelings for Theo and obviously, he knows too” Lael went on, not hiding to Adam that they all knew he was still in love with the singer.

“Yes but I do not want to be in love with him anymore. I will always be his friend, of course, and I thought we were doing well until he appeared in my room two days ago.”

“Are you sure is this what you want?”

“Well, some people can stay in your life but not in your heart and...what I want for us is being there for each other as friends.”

“But you can’t deny he’s behaving and Theo looks like he’s really in love with you.”

“You’ve said it right, he just _looks_ , he _isn’t_.” 

“Well, it’s your life, Adam, but... do not be too harsh to him. It’s better you find a nice way to make him understand that you want him to be just your best friend. Maybe it’d easier for him to accept it if you look more relaxed.”

“Okay. And please, don’t let me drink again. It definitely makes things worse.”

“Okay mate now let’s hurry up or we’ll be late”

 

The bus left the hotel parking as soon as Adam and Lael stepped inside. They joined the other guys and they talked together a bit before going to sleep in their bunks. Pete, Lael and Paul did their best to keep the atmosphere relaxed but it was hard to look at Adam and Theo struggling like that. They couldn’t help but notice Theo stealing glances at Adam, tormenting his bottom lip trying to figure out what to do. They felt really sad for him now but they felt sad also for Adam. Because they couldn’t forget that Adam had suffered a lot in the past months because of Theo behaving like a total idiot and they couldn’t blame him for not trusting the singer again even if they knew he still loved him. 

 

The day after went smoothly. Adam decided to listen to Lael’s advice and tried his best to be relaxed around Theo chatting with him in a calm tone, exchanging a couple of smiles. Theo had noticed Adam’s behaviour and obviously, he felt in seven heaven; he knew that things were not changed but, nonetheless, it was a big step forward considering what had happened between them the previous morning and he had a good feeling about the rest of the day.

 

The gig in Wien was going good. Adam was relaxed and did not avoid approaching Theo and sharing some glances; the singer had the feeling that nothing could go wrong that night especially when Adam joined him at the end of the gig and they greeted the crowd holding their hands in the air. They arrived at the hotel around one o’clock and then, they headed for their rooms. Theo had slept with Adam for the last two times they've stayed in the hotel and he decided to follow the guitarist.

“What are you doing?” Adam asked surprised as Theo sneaked in behind him.

“I wanna sleep with you,” Theo answered as if it was the most normal thing in the world. Adam stopped and stared at Theo pretty annoyed and Theo’s hopes crumbled almost immediately. 

“What does make you think that _I_ want to sleep with you?” Adam said with a harsh tone, looking at Theo straight in the eyes. Theo lost himself in the deep blue irises and felt so taken aback that didn’t know what to say. 

“Theo?” 

“Maybe you don’t want to sleep with me but I need to sleep with you.” 

Adam looked even more irritated after hearing Theo’s words thinking that Theo was such a selfish bastard that didn’t care about anybody except himself. But Theo wanted to stay next to him just to avoid being awake and staring at the ceiling all night long, blaming himself and crying, feeling miserable and lonely.

“Please let me stay,” Theo said almost pleading. He knew he had not to harass Adam, he knew he had to give him time but he couldn’t be patient, he wanted Adam back in his life as soon as possible. 

Adam lifted his hands up midair while looking at Theo. 

“Adam, I want to be part of your life again. Please” Theo whined and he fell down on his knees.

Adam was looking at the pleading man in front of him and now he was barely able to recognize Theo. The guitarist felt bad to see him like that and decided it was better to calm him. He took his hands, forced him to stand up and looked at him in the eyes.

“You are part of my life, Theo. We are still friends. We stay together all the time because of our job and I know it will be always like that because music is part of our lives. Whatever happens, I know that we never stop to be musician and work together.”

“Making music with you is amazing Adam, but it’s not enough. Not anymore. Because I love you and I want everything with you.”

Adam was staring at Theo, confusion, anger and surprise flickering into his deep blue eyes.

“You think these things now and I believe that you really mean your words now but we both know that we want different things from a relationship, Theo” Adam voice was surprisingly calm and Theo felt on the verge of a breakdown because he knew that it was only his fault if they could not stay together anymore. He had made Adam suffer and he couldn’t blame his friend if he didn’t want to trust him anymore; however, he felt a different man now, ready to start anew, ready to take a commitment and he just needed Adam to trust him once again. 

“I miss you Adam. I am ready to behave, I am ready to take a commitment with you if front of everybody, just give me another chance. Please.”

“Theo…”

“I am just asking you another chance”

Adam was looking at him without saying a word.

“I am not asking much of you, Adam. Just give me another chance for God’s sake!”

“Another chance? Another chance to break my heart again? No, thanks” it was the coolly answer that came out from Adam’s lips. 

“How can you be so callous?” Theo said almost irritated, tears falling down on his cheeks now.

“And now what? I have to feel guilty because I am breaking your heart? Come on Theo, you know what I think? You know what I really think even if I avoided saying it to you until now?” Adam was looking at Theo defiantly, rage burning into his eyes. “I just think that you are bored to fuck women and I am the only man you can shag. Because you don’t want anybody knows your dirty secret, do you?”

Theo felt like Adam had punched him hard in the chest and he couldn’t breathe anymore. He felt like the world had turned suddenly grey, the air so thick that he couldn’t breathe and his hopes were definitely shattered on the floor.

“Oaky” Theo managed to say doing his best to stop the tears; he walked toward the door and disappeared, slamming the door behind him. 

Adam stood still for a long moment telling himself do not feel guilty for what he had done. _It's self-preservation_ he chanted to himself and let his body fall on the bed, tears flooding from his eyes.

 

Theo walked down the stairs, went out of the hotel and hailed a cab.

“Where are we going?” the driver asked. 

“Just drive” Theo replied, and gave the taxi driver two hundred euros. He was sitting there, looking at the city passing by. He had forgotten what it meant to be alone, really, truly, physically and emotionally alone. It was something he had never felt after meeting Adam eight years ago and the feeling was dreadful.

One hour later, he was back at the hotel with a bag tucked under his arm. He closed the door behind him giving it a shove with his foot and then, he collapsed on the couch. He took the bottle of gin out of the paper bag, opened it, and began to drink. Before he got completely drunk, however, as soon as the alcohol relaxed him a bit, he decided to write something.


	4. Chapter 4

They were having breakfast in the hotel and Theo was the only one missing at the table even if the singer was definitely a morning person and usually the hungry one. Adam was silent, his features tense, the dark circle under his eyes revealing that he hadn’t sleep at all during the night and Paul, Pete and Lael were looking at him trying to figure out if there was a connection between the two facts. The previous day had gone smoothly; the gig had been amazing and Adam and Theo had looked pretty relaxed around each other. Paul, Pete and Lael had left Adam and Theo with fans waiting for them outside the venue while they had gone for a drink, feeling confident that things were going good. Given the current situation, however, something had gone wrong. Again. Paul decided to stop guessing and asked Adam where Theo was, hoping do not put him in a bad mood.

“We had a discussion when we came back to the hotel so I guess he asked for room service,” Adam said nonchalantly, trying his best do not look bothered by the singer absence. Pete, Lael and Paul were staring at him, waiting for Adam to explain but Adam kept his eyes glued on the plate and didn’t seem willing to give them other details. 

“How bad the discussion has been?” Paul asked as he felt that something serious had happened between the two men.

“Bad” Adam blurted out rolling his eyes upward rather annoyed.

“It’s not that I want to pry into your life, Adam, but are you sure that Theo is okay? We have a TV show tonight and he can’t look like -” 

“I think he can look like shit for once in his life; I’ve been lots of times” Adam spit out interrupting Paul. He cleaned his mouth with the napkin and went on eating as if there was nothing to worry about.

Paul, Pete and Lael were seriously worried now; Adam was saying the words in a very cold tone and it looked almost like Theo deserved to feel like shit. Paul was Adam’s friend since a long time as he had joined the band since the very beginning and so he felt authorized to insist with him because they needed to face the problem as soon as possible.

“Adam, we know that Theo wants to stay with you again and we do not want tell you what you have to do because it’s your life but...we all saw how Theo has changed lately and we are sure that if you find the time to speak together properly, you can settle things.”

“We speak every fucking night we sleep in hotel because he constantly comes in my room and do not leave and I have to hear his bullshit all the fucking time.”

“So tonight he was in your room?”

“Of course he was in my room but then, he left. Anyway, it’s not the first time we’re having breakfast without Theo so please stop harassing me.” 

An awkward silence settled around the table. Yes, it wasn’t the first time that Theo was not having breakfast with them but every time it had happened, it was because he had a girl still in his hotel bedroom but they all knew that this was not the case and for this reason, they felt authorized to feel worried. Paul got up and left the room to call Theo, coming back few minutes later gesturing to Pete and Lael that the singer had not replied. They went on eating in silence trying to cope with the unexpected outburst from Adam and his uncaring attitude and they just hoped that Theo would answered to the messages that they were sending to him. 

Adam could feel the tension around him; his bandmates were worried and he felt bad for the way he had talked to them. He had made a mess with Theo and it was no good to pretend that nothing serious had happened the night before. Paul, Pete and Lael were his bandmates but after all these years, they were also loyal and reliable friends. They had helped him to get back on his feet when he felt useless and totally fucked up; they knew almost every detail of his complicated relationship with Theo so there was no reason to keep any secret with them.

“He wanted to convince me for the umpteenth time that he loved me but… fuck, you do not cheat repeatedly on someone you love, don’t you? How can he think that I can trust him again?” Adam almost cried without looking up from his plate.

“He acted like a jerk and you have any reason to be angry and disappointed but maybe you should consider the possibility that he went insane for a while when we were in the USA because I spoke with him and-.”  
Adam suddenly pushed the chair backward, got up and left, annoyed by his bandmates’ behaviour. He felt like if they almost considered him an insensitive bastard and Theo a poor victim.

“Great, I made things worse,” Paul said, feeling guilty for his words.

“Hey, don’t worry. We’re gonna find a way to settle things” Pete said putting a hand on Paul’s shoulder, trying to reassure him. 

“Someone should go after him but I don’t think he wants me around,” Paul said and Lael got up.

“We had a long conversation when we went out together alone and he opened up with me so I think he’s gonna do it again; he needs to speak with someone and I am sure he’s gonna tell me what’s happened last night. We have to try to find a solution without Matt knowing the mess we are into.”

Lael left the room, took his phone and called Adam. The guitarist ignored the call at first, but then, he decided to check at least who was calling. He saw Leal’s name and stood there staring at the display debating whether to pick up the call; the phone stopped ringing and immediately after, a message appeared on the display  
From Lael: “Adam, pick up the phone. You need to talk and I am ready to listen.”

The phone rang again and Adam answered, telling Lael where to find him.

 

“So what did you tell him exactly to make him go away like that?”

“I told him that he wants to be back with me because he simply got bored by women and I am the only man he can fuck otherwise people will discovered he’s not straight“ Adam said telling the words almost without drawing breath, eager to get that burden off his chest. “I didn’t mean any of those words but…he was there, pleading…and at some point he told me that he was just asking another chance, making me feel like an asshole for not trusting him and I was so angry… I just wanted to make him feel bad and make him leave as soon as possible,” Adam said with his voice broken, feeling terribly guilty for his behaviour. Lael hugged him and tried his best to soothe his pain and Adam relaxed into his embrace.

“Lael, I know Theo enough to know that he got drunk until he forgot his pain; I just hope he stopped in time because he was really in bad state of mind when he left my room.”

 

Lael and a very worried Adam walked back to the hotel, finding Pete and Paul almost in panic.

“Adam, I am sorry if I gave you the impression I was trying to take Theo’s part and justifying his behaviour; I just-“

“I know it, Paul. did he give any sign?” Adam asked trying to look relaxed even if any sort of bad thoughts were running through his mind.

“We kept calling him and we left lots of messages but no answers came from him,” Pete said with a lot of concern in his voice. “We should ask someone to open the door of his room and you’re the only one who can do it”

“Okay, maybe it’s better to go and knock at the door first, I do not want people talk about it” Adam said and Lael gestured to Pete and Paul to follow him. The four men reached Theo’s room and Adam knocked at the door for a full minute, yelling his name, and then he looked back at his bandmates. Adam took his phone and called Theo trying to understand if the singer had managed to go back to his room during the night and, in fact, Theo’s phone was ringing but no other noises came from the inside.

Adam’s expression changed completely and he looked on the verge of a panic attack. Lael went to the reception with him and, discretely, they asked help to get into the singer's room.

 

Theo was lying on the floor full dressed, an empty bottle of Gin next to him, some pills on the floor. Adam immediately kneeled down next to him and grabbed him by the shoulders, lifting him up off the floor and calling his name. Theo’s head fell back and Adam shouted his name repeatedly, tears filling his eyes. 

Pete took Adam away and Lael hit Theo on the face with the palm of his hand to make him wake up as the singer was not even trying to open his eyes. Paul put his ear on Theo’s chest and Adam was looking at the scene shocked, blaming himself for the situation, Pete trying unsuccessfully to calm him down saying that it was not his fault.

“He’s okay,” Paul said looking at Adam as soon as he heard that Theo's heart was beating regularly. 

“Thank God” Pete whispered and then he hugged Adam who was still crying desperately. 

Lael hooked Theo under the armpits while Paul took his feet and they brought him into the bathroom, placing him into the bathtub. The cold water startled Theo a bit and he finally opened his eyes a little. He tried to cover his face with his hands but he had not much eye-hand coordination to do it and the guys sadly noticed how his conditions were bad.

“God, Theo, what the hell did you do?” Paul asked more to himself than to Theo, sure that the singer was not able to say a meaningful sentence right now. 

“Stop, please” Theo stuttered lifting up both his hands to block the cold water and Lael turned off the tap, brushing Theo’s hair away from his face. Adam’s eyes were still full of tears but a smile appeared on his face as he realized that Theo was not into a coma or something like that and he kneeled down next to the bathtub, taking Theo’s head in his hands and placing it on his chest. 

“Adam” Theo murmured with a faint voice and Adam held him tightly, not able to say anything as he was sobbing violently. 

“I am sorry, Adam” Theo whispered before starting to sob uncontrollably too, trying desperately to hug Adam. The guys were looking at them in tears and decided to leave them alone in the bathroom for a while, waiting outside the door. 

“God, for a moment I thought he was in a coma” Paul said, still visibly shocked. Lael was running his hands on his head back and forth, thanking someone up there that Theo was okay. Pete was patting him on the shoulder, a tiny smile on his face and a second later, they found themselves into a hug, three pairs of arms holding each other tightly, still smiling nervously between tears. 

 

“I am sorry Theo for what I’ve told you,” Adam managed to say getting a grip on himself; Theo tried to raise his arm in the attempt to embrace Adam but he failed miserably as his arm seemed to weight a ton. Adam gently took Theo’s arm and put it around his own body and he felt Theo cling at him. 

“I’m cold,” Theo said and Adam could feel him shaking because of the wet clothes stuck to his body. 

“Let’s take a warm bath now. Can you stand up?” Adam asked, looking at Theo with such love in the eyes that the singer felt overwhelmed by emotions and forgot to answer the question.

“Theo?” Adam called and decided it was better to get some help form Lael.

Lael helped Adam to lift Theo up on his feet. They held him for a moment, just to be sure he could stand, and when Theo seemed okay, Lael held him in place while Adam unbuttoned Theo’s shirt and took it off together with the vest. The guitarist went on unbuckling the belt and helping Theo out of his trousers, took off the socks and left the singer naked except for his boxer briefs. He quickly undressed himself too and sit down in the bathtub bringing Theo down with him, the singer sitting between Adam’s legs and resting his back on Adam’s chest.

“I’ll be out here, Adam” Lael said walking out of the bathroom, reaching the other guys.

Theo was enjoying being into Adam’s embrace; he felt safe into his strong arms and he felt at home against his firm chest. All the pain he was feeling just seconds ago had magically disappeared because Adam's attentions were the only medicine he needed to feel better. 

Adam couldn’t help but notice Theo’s body relaxing, not trembling anymore and molding perfectly to his own body. They were both enjoying the never forgotten feeling of their bodies pressed together, their chests rising and falling at the same time, breathing in unison, and they both knew that none of them could ever let any other man that close, physically and emotionally. Adam run his hand through Theo’s hair brushing the strands away from his eyes and the singer turned his head to look at him before closing his eyes and smile. Adam could feel Theo’s breathe on his neck, the tip of his nose against his skin and he pressed a gentle kiss on Theo’s temple before his hand resumed to caress his hair. They stood like that for full ten minutes without saying a word, locked into their own bubble of serenity, enjoying the feeling of being together once again. 

 

Lael helped Adam to bring Theo back on his feet and then out of the bathtub, feeling happy as he watched them together, Theo smiling and Adam taking care of him in a lovely way. Adam helped Theo to wear the bathrobe and removed the soggy boxer briefs before closing the bathrobe with its belt. He removed his own boxers too and then wrapped a towel around his waist. 

“Let’s have some proper rest now,” Adam said, putting an arm around Theo’s waist as they walked out of the bathroom.

“How are you, Theo?” Paul asked approaching him with a big smile on his face. 

“I feel better. Thanks guys” Theo said smiling a little and he had to fight the tears that were hovering in his eyes.

“Get some rest, see you in the afternoon” Lael said and the three men walked out of the room.

Adam searched for a pair of boxer brief and a T-shirt into Theo’s suitcase and put them on; he made Theo sitting on the bed and placed a towel on Theo’s head stroking his hair in the attempt to dry it a bit. Theo was enjoying Adam’s attentions and he hoped that Adam would forgive him for what he had done.

“I am sorry I scared you, Adam. I just needed to stop the pain I was feeling and I took a couple of pills to fall asleep but I guess I had already drunk too much at that point…”

“Do not ever do anything like that again. You could…I would’ve been devastated if I lost you, Theo!”

“Please forgive me. I didn’t mean to kill myself; I’d never do something like that to you.”

“No matter what happens between us, Theo, you know how important you are for me and you know that my life has no sense without you so, please, promise me you do not ever get drunk like that and do not ever take pills with alcohol. Promise it to me, Theo.”

“I promise it. I am a mess, Adam; I keep doing everything wrong…”

“It’s also my fault, Theo. I am sorry for what I told you. I didn’t mean any of those words, I just wanted make you feel bad and I am not proud that I managed to do it”

“Adam don’t blame yourself. I am the-“

“You need to rest now”

“Can you stay here with me?” Theo asked looking at Adam a little worried, not entirely sure if the wall that His friend had built around his heart to protect himself had finally collapsed. 

“Yes, sure” Adam replied with a tiny smile, looking at him straight in the eyes.

They crawled under the duvet, Theo’s head resting on Adam’s chest, his body held into a tight embrace. 

“I love you, Adam” Theo said before he slid into sleep.

 

When Theo awoke, the bed was empty. He barely remembered all the things happened since the night before but he remembered for sure Adam shouting at him, someone shaking him, cold water on his clothed body and then warm water on his bare skin, Adam holding him into his arms. He was sure he had fallen asleep next to him but maybe he had dreamed it. 

Adam was sitting on the couch, wearing fresh clothes he had brought form his room while Theo was still sleeping peacefully. Theo’s heart began to race in his chest as he noticed he was holding a piece of paper; he slowly remembered he had decided to write what he was feeling but the paper was not meant for Adam. It was just a reminder to himself, a way to face the harsh reality, a way to feel better writing down his feeling.

_Now I understand what he felt, he also tried to explain to me many times. I feel as if my heart had been ripped off my chest and suddenly nothing matters...We worked so hard to get what we have but I would immediately quit everything to have him back, to have his heart back. I’ve never understood how the pain can be unbearable when you love someone with every cell of your body and your love is not returned. It’s a pain that stays with you every second of your day and doesn’t matter what you do, it never stops, and at some point, you just want to feel your body numb. I still love him, not because I am bored of my perfect life. I am an idiot because it took so much to realize that he is the only one who makes me feel good and complete and the only one who loves me for who I am, Theodore David Hutchcraft. I know I have to take a commitment this time and I am ready for it. I want him to be mine and I want to be his. Forever. I am ready to declare my love for him and I don’t give a fuck if this will affect our job because I know it worth it. Our love worth it. Adam and music are what keep my heart beating every single day of my life; money and success are just an added value and I do not need them. I cannot give up on him. Maybe it will take weeks, months or years but I won’t change my mind. I want him by my side every moment of my life for the rest of my life._

Theo propped himself on his elbows and tried to understand Adam’s reaction. His eyes were glued on the piece of paper he was holding and he looked rather pensive. He could say that Adam was not reading the paper for the first time because his face was serious and his expression was giving away the fact that he was carefully considering every single word he was reading. He laid down again and closed his eyes, a shiver running through his body at the idea that Adam was not going to believe his words.

It was a difficult decision for Adam. He was pondering over it since a couple of hours now and he had not made up his mind yet. He loved Theo but he couldn’t see a future for them, at least a _bright_ future. What he could see were some wonderful months and then his heart broken in thousands of pieces again. Because Theo didn’t love him the same way he loved him back. 

Adam’s foggy mind began to clear and he reached the conclusion that Theo was just going through a difficult moment and simply needed to have his best mate next to him. He just needed his best friend to take care of him and he was ready to do it as he had always done, but he couldn’t give his heart to him once again. 

Adam stood up and left the paper on the couch; he silently walked out of the door and Theo felt tears filling his eyes.

 

Adam went back to check Theo two hours later, finding him sobbing, his eyes red and puffy. He tried his best to calm him down but he was determinate do not give him false hopes. He had explained him that their relationship was not meant for love but that he was happy to have him in his life; they would learn to feel happy and fulfilled again with the other things they could do together, writing songs, playing gigs, share success, being there for each other because they were still best friends. Theo had nodded and, gathering all his courage, he had told Adam he was right, even if he felt like he was dying. He would’ve kept his promises, though, and tried his best to behave because all he wanted, was making Adam happy. He needed Adam to trust him again and be proud of him and, most of all, he didn’t want to risk losing him definitively.

 

_Thank God we don’t have a gig tonight_ Pete said to himself, looking at Theo walking around the room with glassy eyes. They were lucky that Theo had not to stay on a stage for an hour and half after what has happened but, actually, he looked like he could have problem also to sing just one song. Theo was sober now, but everybody could see that he was suffering, and not because of the hangover. He was devastated by his unrequited love for Adam and he was not good to hide his pain. 

The guys had hoped, until the last moment, in a better ending; they had left them together in the morning, Adam taking care of Theo, sleeping probably in the same bed. They had involuntarily noticed and read the paper, making sure that Adam would read it, praying that things would finally be okay but, unfortunately, Adam didn’t let Theo be with him again. The two men had talked quietly for a full hour, they had hugged, smiled at each other and forced themselves to get back to some kind of normality that was hard to face. 

“Maybe is better I check Theo,” Paul said to Pete and he left him, walking toward the singer. 

“Hey, are you okay? Is the headache still bothering you?” Paul asked and the singer snapped out of his thoughts and smiled faintly to Paul. 

“No, I am okay. Well, I feel like shit but at least my head is okay,” Theo said and the smile became a little strong now. 

Few minutes later, the TV host announced the band. They walked on stage and everyone took place in front of his own instrument while Theo headed toward the TV host as if he was walking toward the gallows.

“Ladies and gentleman a big applause for our guests,” the man said and the audience responded with lot of enthusiasm. “Hurts, ladies and gentleman. It’s a pleasure to have you here,” the man said turning toward the piano to greet also Adam. _Thanks_ was the only thing that came out from Theo’s mouth, his face incapable of showing any emotion but misery. The man didn’t find it awkward given the fact he had been informed about the type of music they were playing and how dark the Exile album was so he went on questioning Theo.

“So, I know that the tour in the USA went good and here in Europe all the dates went sold out in few days, right?”

“Yes, everything is great” was the detached answers that came out form the singer’s mouth.

“We are gonna listen to a song called _Somebody to die for_ , right? You shot the video while you were in the USA and let me say it’s really amazing. That place, Slab City, is absolutely amazing”

“Yes”

“Okay, let’s listen to this beautiful song then and Theo, did you find somebody to die for?”

Theo turned toward Adam and four hearts stopped to beat.

“My friend and bandmate Adam. He’s the most important person in my life, the only one who means something to me, the only thing I love more than my life itself .”

Theo had looked at Adam straight in the eyes while saying the words and Adam had held Theo’s gaze feeling his heart beating like a crazy in his chest, almost scared that he was going to have a heart attack. Paul, Pete and Lael were looking at the scene with their mouths half open and the TV host felt embarrassed for the situation, not sure of what was going on. He felt it was better to snap out of the weird moment and let the band play so he announced the title of the song and left Theo alone.

At Paul’s sign, Adam started playing the first notes of Somebody to die for. He could remember perfectly the day they have written the song. They were in bed, and everything had started with him telling Theo he was somebody to die for and that his life would be useless without him. Theo had thanked him with a never-ending kiss and had written the words on a piece of paper, adding other sentences between kissing and cuddling and in less than one hour the Lyrics were done.

When it came the moment of the refrain, Theo turned toward Adam and sang the whole chorus looking at him; he then walked toward the piano and sang the rest of the song directly to him not bothering the cameras that were trying to filming the performance.

Paul, Pete and Lael were looking at them bewildered, Adam not able to take his eyes off Theo. He could read the love in his eyes and he felt the wall around his heart slowly crumble. Theo’s eyes were brimming with tears and he mouthed to Adam _I love you_ when the lyrics finished and Adam was still playing the last notes. The singer returned to the center of the stage and pronounced the words from the poem that ended the song. The audience applauded loudly and Theo thanked everybody with a quick bow before almost running to the dressing room followed by the rest of the band.

Paul, Pete and Lael stopped out of the room waiting for Adam to open the door and reach Theo inside. The singer was sitting on a chair with his face buried in his hands. He got up as soon as he sensed Adam in the room and he turned, giving his back to his friend, quickly wiping the tears away, desperately trying to get a grip on himself before facing Adam. The guitarist approached him and his angelic blue eyes followed the tears that were running down from Theo’s eye. 

“I am sorry. It has been just a moment. I am okay now” Theo hurried to say with a faint smile, trying to reassure Adam. The singer's hands moved upward toward his face to wipe the tears away but Adam stopped him and looked into his misty eyes. He took Theo’s face in his hands and stopped the tears with sweet and gentle kisses, bringing their flow to a halt. His thumbs dried the wet cheeks and the singer completely lost himself into the deep blue eyes that were looking at him full of love. 

“You’re too precious to cry” Adam said and Theo’s lips trembled because he felt tears ready to flood his eyes again. Instead, he took a deep breath, got a grip on himself and finally managed to speak.

“I do not want anyone else to have your heart, to kiss your lips or to be in your arms because that’s my place,” Theo said, his voice still trembling a bit.

“I know” Adam replied with a whisper.

“But this time my body, my heart and my soul will be only yours” Theo added, his eyes pleading Adam to believe him. Adam looked into the Bambi brown eyes and felt the wall he had built to protect his heart crumble definitively. He surrendered and let joy, happiness and hope filling his heart again because he knew that this time Theo’s body, heart and soul would be only his.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you very much for reading!!! It's been beautiful and painful to write it and I hope you've enjoyed it.  
> (Especially you MV)


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